Love: the painful awakening

The laws of human love

We are born out of love, we live and grow because of love, we seek love, and we long for love. For us love is always an incomplete phenomenon. We need to understand the principle of incompleteness in order to feel at peace and to stop thinking about getting the unattainable.

Living on the human plane gives us a few rules and laws to conform to and live by. There are 3 laws to be aware of: the law of change, the law of opposites and the law of complement-ness. Each day is different from the last, each day is followed by night, and day and night complement a cycle or activity and relaxation. Equally, we experience love in the same way. We are attracted to an opposite force that complements us and that union is in constant change and amalgamation.

The painful awakening

We take the laws of the earth lightly or with ignorance. We have a very unrealistic expectation about the union of love. We conform our emotions to external influences without questioning the facts of the situations. We adopt a romantic view from Disney movies or immature fantasies about loving, accepting, melting, surrendering, trusting and being at the service of the beloved. We want to meet a complementing force without accepting the polarity, the differences and the oppositions.

We want a man that is sensitive, emotional, nurturing, mature, and able to follow our complexity and emotional undulations, able to understand us and to be with us in full awareness and depth. We keep looking to parents, teachers, and mates to fulfill all these aspects. We get frustrated, hurt, manipulative and angry if our pride is not fulfilled and our control does not achieve the results we want.

Understanding the opposite

I have found when working with women and couples that most of the problems in relationships lie in the fact that the parties do not know the basic psyche of their counterpart. When combined with unrealistic expectations, this creates resentments, anger, disappointment and a sense of isolation and loneliness.

Women have unrealistic expectations about men: how they should love women, their capacity to love, and the actual way they do. Women want men to love them like another woman would and men want women to love them in a stable, consistent way. Women expect men to love them in an emotional way with feminine qualities. Man on the other hand, is designed to love and support woman in a rational, linear way. We are truly the sun and the moon, with expectations that the opposite be like us.  No man is able to match our romantic ideas, or has the capacity to fulfill the list of requirements we place on him.

Women need and resist stability

On the other hand, in the depths of the woman’s psyche, there are 3 dynamics happening.

Women are questioning if 1) this man is able to stay with her forever, 2) if this man is a good father for her children, and 3) if this man is able to provide financial support for her and her children. Women are interested in stability, emotional stability, financial stability and commitment. We also, even if we resist, appreciate when men put our emotional fluctuations in perspective, when they don’t go downhill with us. Man is designed to be stable and to verbalize that. Woman takes that as a rejection, gets hurt, resentful and deviates from the appreciation that this is actually complementary; it is a pedestal for her to be contained and to gain perspective. Those are the moments where women need to learn either to reach out to other women or to take time for themselves to come back to the centre.

What men want from us

Our pride, stubbornness and attachment to control and get the unattainable, blinds us from seeing what the real facts are about loving a man, what they are really looking for in us, what the need and how we can supply them with their basic needs.

Man looks mainly for 3 things from woman:

1. Nourishment
2. To be represented socially
3. Contact

We need to reflect deeply on what exactly that is and what our capacities are to deliver it.

When we think about nourishment we have the tendency to go into concreteness. Food is of course the primal aspect; a good cup of tea at the proper time can do miracles in any relationship. We also need to consider the way our grace, speech, home and sexuality form a sustainable package to support a non-overextending nourishment for them and for us.

We also need to be aware of our inner and outer beauty; we are born with divine  attributes of joy, love, peace, compassion, understanding, kindness and the possibility to realize that we are them. Our simplicity and presence are the beauty that will attract the man with honor and values that will sustain our spiritual development. Do not trade these values of yours for a cheap image sold by television. Present the values you wish to have complemented, have courage and contact your relationships with that frame of mind.

The big man and the small man

In order to contact the man properly, we need to understand and determine the moments where he often takes 2 different positions.

There is one position where he is insecure, sensitive and disoriented. He will come to you looking for those sweet words of appreciation, encouragement and guidance. These are the moments where demands, inner reflections and sharing our own emotions are not going to be heard and will leave them feeling overwhelmed. This can be very disappointing for us. We don’t want to see that fragility, neither take the time to take care of it. We see that inner softness, as an impotency of the man and as total discouragement. To expose this part of them is touchy and in most cases accompanied by a sense of shame and embarrassment. Man expresses that part not very humbly, making the process of contact difficult. Understand that the small man is insecure, childish, irrational, stubborn and proud. With this you can access your own capacities and compassion to deal with the situation. You surely need to be open, creative, patient, supportive and light.

On the other hand, we need to be aware of the “the big man”. The big man is the potent man. The one that believes he can conquer the world and bring it to you. The big man is the King Kong, only your kindness, beauty and love can conquer him. If you stand in competition, in opposition or defensiveness you will create a handicapped man, a resentful man, an impotent man and a miserable relationship.

Wake up with self-worth

Knowing the facts about love, your capacities and man’s ways of relating, is an opportunity for you to grow in the reality of the man-woman ways of communicating, sharing and connecting. All that is requested from you is to respond to the challenges in a real way and to create within you a self-worth that is solid, uncorrupted and un-negotiable. That is the base of your success, your wealth and your happiness.